The return of Satan

After spending some time in Chiang Mai, we decided it was finally time to start looking for a job (it’s weird that I’m finally writing this blog three months later…I miss being unemployed). Thailand is cheap, but when you come here on a seasonal Macy’s employee salary, your money goes quickly. I can also never pass up a gafae yen <3 <3 We headed back to Bangkok on an overnight bus from Chiang Mai (9 hour bus rides are the definition of a good time) and passed out in our hostel’s waiting area while our rooms where being cleaned. I’m sleeping on a couch in that weird state where you know you are somewhat awake but at the same time you know you are sleeping, when I heard Chelsea say in the most distressed voice “Laurrrrrrrr”. I figured there was a spider or something that she wanted me to kill so I tried to go back to my dreams of endless jars of peanut butter when I heard her say this time in tears “Laurrrrrrrrrrrr are you awakeeeeeeee” (so distressed). I finally rolled over and all she says is “Phillip Dunne.”

If you don't remember who Satan Phillip Dunne is, please refer to my previous post, here.

She slowly hands her phone to me and I already see the hint of a tear forming in her eyes.

^ my exact words if I do recall.

PHILLIP DUNNE IF YOU ARE READING THIS, LEAVE US (well mostly Chelsea) ALONE. YOU ARE A BULLY.

Now normally I would tell Chelsea she is overreacting, its not a big deal, nothing is going to happen, etc. But this freaked me out a little. Not necessarily the fact that he supposedly contacted the Thai Ministry of Education (I can smell your bullshit from my lovely apartment in Thailand, Phillip), but it creeped me out that he has Chelsea’s Thai phone number as well as our address. After hyperventilating really quick (Chelsea), a few lot of tears (Chelsea), and thinking about going back to my nap (me) we decided to email our best friend and Language Corps director, Riiiiick. 

He responded with a  very nonchalant email about how Phillip is a douche bag (I'm paraphrasing here) and how we shouldn't worry about it, and whether or not we got a job yet (the answer is no). Classic Rick. He is used to dealing with Chelsea's meltdowns (see: scuba diving). 

Mind you, this all happened mid-April. End of June, Chelsea and I are watching Orange is the New Black (I waited for you for so long, why you gotta disappoint me like that OITNB???) and I get an email with the subject “Island TEFL scam”. 

I open my the email fully expecting to see a picture of Phillip standing outside my apartment grasping a knife. 

Turns out it wasn’t from Phillip (God bless) but from a nice man named Robert who ALSO got scammed by Phillip. 

SEE PHILLIP YOUR COMPANY ISN'T EVEN REGISTERED YOU PIECE OF SHIT. While I share in Robert's pain, it makes me feel slightly less idiotic that other people got scammed just as badly as we did.  Lo and behold the next day none other than Scott Johnson emails me. 

I do indeed check out his review on Island TEFL.

Some highlights from this review:

• "I tried to get my $795 back by making a claim on PayPal, which I lost. Afterwards he sent me a threatening letter, demanding another $499 for the online textbook "course", claiming that his "Lawyer" would get my passport number from my drivers license picture and I would be in for a "surprise" when I come to visit my girlfriend"       
• "He replied again shortly, stating that his Lawyer would make sure I got detained at the airport, and 'Hope you enjoy life behind bars'"
• "I also heard his last name is Krabbe, like the greedy bastard from Spongebob Squarepants"
• "Also a possible rape suspect? It's no wonder the mafia there put a hit on him and he had to escape on a fucking rowboat"

THE MAFIA? ESCAPING ON A ROWBOAT?? It's like a plot for a Lifetime movie. 

Scott sent me some more information on Phillip...

"I wish that fat fuck would come to my house"

Right there with you Scotty boy. Bottom line: never trust a fat fuck named Phillip Dunne.

Survivor: Thailand Edition

After hiding out in our hostel until Songkran was over, we decided to work off four days of endless Changs by going on a hike! How healthy of us #fitspo

Fresh air, feeling the wind on our faces, becoming one with nature!! Yes, sign us up.

We decide on going to Huay Tung Tao, because there are "spectacular" waterfalls, and it is a circular hike, so less chance of us getting lost. Yes, we thought, this will be perfect. Just what we want.

"hidden away"

This is going to be the best hike *ever*

Once we get there we whip out the directions. 

"We start near the Golden Buddha"

*locates Golden Buddha*

Phew, got it. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. 

"Follow the trail in anti-clock wise direction"

Okay.

So we go left?

No...we go right?

Really great start everyone, keep up the good work.

Let's ask someone.

Ohhhh no English, kk.

*points in general direction and shrugs*

*thumbs up from non-English speakers who have no idea what we are asking*

Guess we will be going in this general direction.

Okay next step.

"The first 2 kilometers are quite easy"

How far is a kilometer?

What do they consider "easy?"

If this is easy, what is not easy like?

Am I going to get eaten alive by a snake? (Chelsea)

Let's just keep going.

I swear I heard a rustle what do you think that was? (Chelsea)

The wind, me stepping on a leaf, an insect, normal nature noises...

Okay so not a snake right? (Chelsea)

Not a snake.

Have we gone 2 kilometers yet?

Yea...yea....

^Being the leader, because I'm so good at directions, while Chelsea and Nicole eat my dust

Okay next direction.

"At waypoint Y you will cross a stream and immediately turn left following the stream towards the waterfall"

How will we know when we come to waypoint Y?

*Chelsea screams because she thinks she sees a snake*

Chelsea it's a stick.

Why are there no trail markers?

I swear I heard a snake. (Chelsea)

*Chelsea tells story about how her and her boyfriend almost left their vacation in California upon seeing a garden snake*

This looks like there could have been a stream here once, right?

Yea...maybe it just dried up.

...Yea...

^personalities in a nutshell

*turns left and follows the "stream" towards the "waterfall"*

At this moment I am drinking the last drops of my water, with only the thoughts of cool cool waterfalls filling my head. Surely we will be there soon! We meander along for about another hour, with only the sounds of nature (which we have come to hate) to fill the silence, as well as the slight hum of TLC's Don't Go Chasin Waterfalls that is on repeat in my head, broken only by the occasional snap of a twig followed by a shriek from Chelsea, thinking it's a python going to swallow her whole.

^except there was no babbling brook

Lots of thoughts were going through my head, but I didn't dare say them aloud. But I knew. This is where we were going to die. Years later, when an unlucky person would wander off the path to the non-existent waterfalls and get lost like us, they would stumble upon our remains. And clutched in my skeleton of a hand will be my selfie stick, GoPo fully in tact. They will upload my videos, and see nothing really of interest, except for three girls wandering alone in the wilderness, singing an off key version of Don't Go Chasin' Waterfalls, while a tiny violin plays a sad sad tune in the background (they will of course have to edit the tiny violin's sad sad tune in afterwards, but it makes it way more dramatic)

^ the look of complete and utter despair- notice how defeated Chelsea's stance is

I am slightly exaggerating, but we actually did run out of water and were lost and wandering in the wilderness of Chiang Mai in the BLAZING sun. Humans are around 65% water, but at that moment I was about 20% water and 80% despair.

After finally giving up and realizing THERE ARE NO WATERFALLS TO BE FOUND OR ANY OTHER FORMS OF LIFE ON THIS "TRAIL" (and also realizing that maybe we don't know how to follow directions?) we decided to give up and head back to civilization. My mouth has never been so parched. Apparently humans can survive up to a week without water but clearly those humans have never hiked in Thailand in May. 

After a roundtrip of FOUR HOURS we finally make it back to where we started and run up to the nearest person, screaming "WATER WATER ICE WATER ICE WATER" while frantically racking our brains for what the word for water is in Thai (naam- yea that 100 on my Thai test is coming in handy) some poor soul finally understands what we are saying and brings us out an entire bucket of ice and water.

If you want to see how truly relieved we were to find water, FF this video to 2:36...this is the exact moment Chelsea and I knew we were going to make it. Watch in HD so you feel like you are actually there with us.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yIyhEN4DkM



At least we made it to this crappy beach

We are obviously impressed